The Great Sloth Wars- What They Are All About

In order for the reader to fully comprehend the severity of the present situation, it is necessary for me to give a brief, yet informative synopsis of the crisis and its history.

Sloth are not what you think they are. At all. At a glance, they are unbearably slow, stupid, and quite frankly, the ugliest creatures to ever roam the earth.



(A typical slothy pose for an unsuspecting cameraman)

On the contrary, sloths are the epitome of clever. They are cunning, swift, and excellent at everything.



(A sloth caught in the act of crossing the finishing line of a 100 yard dash and taking first place. The picture does not show that this particular sloth also was calculating the quantum mechanics of astral plane shape shifting.)

In the first days of the sloths, they were all peaceable and intelligent hard workers, trying to keep their intellect on low profile, as to beguile potential enemies. In the Golden Kingdom of Fur the sloths two-toed sloths and three-toed sloths lived together side by side, discussing string theory, engaging in leg wrestling, and eating peaches. For thousands of years the sloth kingdom thrived in South and Central America.

If any enemies approached the sloth warriors would lure them into a false sense of security, then attack them by surprise. It worked like a charm. Albeit, they needed to engage allies to help them fight evil outside South and Central America. So, they found aid in the black footed ferrets and raccoons of the north.

The system worked perfectly, until the raccoons betrayed them in their great councils and used their smooth talking to persuade the two-toed variety of sloth to join them in their own quest for power. Despite the furry cuteness of the raccoons, they were sheer evil, and had the actual intent of enslaving all sloths, and using them for their intense brain skills. But the three-toed sloth, descended genetically from the original Tree Dwellers, realized the true threat and resisted.

Unfortunately, slowly more and more three-toed sloths became to succumb to the liberal ways of the raccoons. Those who didn’t were brutally murdered. So many tragic deaths occurred that humans put them on the endangered species list. Still, a group of the strong remained. It was also rumored that there were still a few brave two-toed sloths who resisted the tyranny of the raccoons. However, they were looked upon with skepticism and overall mistrust. The raccoons had also gathered many other species to their side, and used them as liaisons to the sloths, as they rarely were able to travel so far south on their own.

Among the righteous sloths who remained, was the Great Guru of Furry History. He was a pygmy monk sloth who lived on the island of Escudo de Veraguas, off the coast of Panama. He was rumored to be omniscient, and a powerful warrior who mastered the art of voodoo karate. He had been forced into hiding by the evil ones. Legend has it that he who finds the Guru will have the power to save both sloth and mankind (the raccoons intended to overthrow the humans in the end). Eventually, the Guru had to leave the island and the Shrine of Slow Moving Wonder and move around as much as possible, so as to evade capture.

All the good and noble sloths and ferrets are on the mission to find the Guru. Some humans have gotten involved as well, such as myself and others. We search amid adventure and gloom; in the trees and the deep. Enemy sloths and allies often cross each others’ paths and thus fight to the death in bloody and terrible battles of unquenchable fury.

Enemy agents are everywhere with misinformation. If you chance to listen, you are lulled until with a swipe of the razor claws, you too must join the thronging spirits in the hallways of the great and dead Furry Fathers.

I have chosen to chronicle the strange struggle, as the Good make every effort possible to stop the Evil and bring the Guru back to the Shrine. In the midst of these pages our tumble through history is told.

-Marta Agnetha